many more to come!
went to see bad grandpa with jim and mama last night LOL
it was hilarious
i'm glad my mom found it funny, with her being conservative and all lol
this morning we went to denny's for brunch
i never would have thought my brother was the type to talk about feelings
from the words of mr. sensitive himself, "you've never had a heart to heart talk with your parents?"
when they started talking about personal stuff, i got a little bit uncomfortable
my mama is probably the strongest woman i have ever met
i know she went through hell when she was young, she didn't even have a childhood
she's told me many times about what she had gone through
abuse from her parents, the trauma of domestic violence, the health problems she developed, the divorce
i mean i can understand why she's the way she is now
why she has a totally different belief and moral values from mine and jim's
she's strict and she lectures us all the time
but she would always give examples from her experience
sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's not
but ma, you have got to let us make our own mistakes and have our own experiences so we can learn from them
we're not kids anymore
then we got to talking about my useless biological father, or as i like to call him "sperm donor"
my brother doesn't seem affected at all
but then, he was always out and about with his friends
he didn't witness how every night i cried hysterically for our father to stay, how i yearned for his company
even then, i knew where he'd always go
--to his mistress
i must have been about 6-7 years old
i realized that kids at that age shouldn't know as much as i did then
ma: i don't want to die with you two holding a grudge against your father
don't worry ma, i held a grudge but not anymore
he's not worth worrying over, nor my thoughts
------------------------------
i'm not proud to say that i fell off the wagon last night
but i don't regret it one bit... one can only take so much
i've tried dealing with stress in different ways
relaxing, emptying my mind of negativity, buying stuff, going out
even exercising doesn't seem to work anymore
what's worse is that i know exactly what i need to do
surrender everything to Him
but i just can't let go of the worries
why i torture myself like this i don't know
i think it's my ego that likes to have control over everything
want.to.let.go.so.bad
come on bo, there's nothing wrong with it, you'd have less things to worry about
gahd so stubborn... need someone to slap me hard
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