truth is....

last day of october
8 more weeks and it will be a start of a new year
how time flies

i've just been worn out all this week
can't wait for my 3 day weekend

i guess armarie's not coming to work tomorrow
i always look forward to fridays cos i get to see her and auntie fely
they're the ones who make that place bearable


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feeling real sad lately
it's just one of those days i guess
all these negative thoughts coming altogether
family problems, work, upcoming school, etc
what hurts the most is i can't rely on my dad's side of the fam
it's like we have this wall between us 
and the bricks just keep piling up and becoming more indestructible 

truth is
jim and i want to be a part of their lives
especially knowing jon is going to have a baby girl on the way
i missed out on ethan's and cameron's life
haven't even seen them once in person
with my aunt disowning us (probably cos we refuse to petition our father, which is her brother)
i don't think there's going to be any reconciliation any time soon

and truth is
perhaps, deep down inside... somewhere hidden and very deep inside this heart of mine
maybe... just maybe i still love and care about my father

you ever love someone so much, that no matter how much they've hurt you, all you can remember are the good things and good memories you have of them?
i've long realized that i may have twisted my own memories, either by adding to it or reading too much into things

i know he wasn't ready to be a father
he wasn't ready to let go of his freedom, wasn't ready to sacrifice
though it wasn't easy, i accepted it and made peace with that

no hard feelings
i forgive him because he taught me something
he taught me what not to look for in a man
and yes, my standards are very high

and it also taught me how not to be like him if i ever become a parent
i would never abandon my children, or let them feel alone
i would be open minded and be there for them,
supporting them every step of the way and sacrificing myself for their sake
and i would love them with every fiber of my being

i wish he wouldn't play with our emotions
telling us he regretted it
and that he wants to see us to make up for everything
well "father," if you want to see us, you're gonna have to put in more effort because i'm not helping you come here




was watching will & grace, and will brought up a very good point
build a big wall and keep the feelings out

and he's right
feelings are way overrated
i have no use for them